Shira Pisner Kundinger on Turning Her ‘InConceivable’ Family Story Into a Memoir

Shira Pisner Kundinger is used to strangers marveling at her family. It was 1983 when her parents, Dan and Pam Pisner, gave birth to Shira and her four brothers—Devin, Ian, Michael, and Elliot. The media couldn’t seem to get enough of the “Pisner Quintuplets,” and they were featured in The Washington Post, The Baltimore Sun, and on ABC News. They even made the cover of Life.

Curious people on the street would often ask her parents how they managed to raise not one, but five kids at once, pushing, “‘Well, how did you? How did you do it? I don’t understand. How did you survive everything?’”

This is the question Kundinger set out to answer when she sat down to write InConceivable: How My Parents Survived the Joy and Chaos of Raising Quintuplets. But despite the commotion that comes with having four other siblings, Kundinger’s childhood was rooted in happiness. “My parents had to survive, but I didn’t feel like they were surviving, to be honest, so whatever they did worked because I feel like I had such a loving and secure attachment to my family.”

In this month’s issue of Writer Chat, Brickhouse Books sat down with author Shira Pisner Kundinger to discuss the genesis of the book, her writing process, what she learned from her parents, using trauma to heal others, and more.

Brickhouse Books: You didn’t choose to be a quintuplet or to have that journey, but you did choose to write about it. When did you decide to tell this story—and that it was one you needed to tell?

Shira Pisner Kundinger: So, my parents, as a kid, always said, “Oh man, we wish we could tell this story [of having quintuplets].” And through their own voices, right? And not just being interviewed by the media. And so, as I got older, they kept saying, “You know, I wish we had a ghostwriter because I would love to share our story.”

Two and a half years ago, my dad and I were sitting down for lunch, and he said something again about wishing that he had a ghostwriter to write their story. And my dad’s a great storyteller, always has been. And so I said, “Well, what if I sit down with you and mom and just interview you guys, and I can get an oral history, and at least we have that?”

So I started interviewing them, and then I would transcribe it each time I interviewed them. I started really enjoying transcribing it, and then actually creating the story myself through their words. And then I just kept going, and I shared it with them, and they were like, “This is really good.” I was like, “Oh, okay.” So I just kept going. And then, two and a half years later, we have this book.

It sounds like it was almost half purposeful and half accidental the way it went from oral history to full, book-length project.

Yes, yeah. The reason why I wanted to do [an] oral history, I’ve been doing a lot of volunteer work with non-profits in Frederick, where I would do kind of what we’re doing right now. Like, I would interview people…because I feel very passionate about hearing people’s stories. […] So, when I proposed that to my dad, I was thinking of doing something like that, right? And then it just kind of spiraled into what it is now the book.

That leads right into my next question, because I read [an article from 2009] (https://www.newsweek.com/beyond-jon-kate-growing-pisner-quint-80445) where a reporter visited you and your family, and she noted that, “Shira, the lone female, was clearly in charge.” So I’m wondering if that tracks with your view of yourself, and does it make sense now, looking back, that you were the sibling to take charge and be the one to tell your family’s story?

Oh, actually, 100% when you put it that way. Yeah. Yeah, I was always… I don’t like the word “in charge,” it sounds like I’m bossy. I wasn’t bossy. It was more…my brothers looked to me. I’m a nurturer, a national nurturer, and I guess, you know, being the lone female of four brothers…it just felt natural. I also like keeping us together. Whenever we do anything, and it was like all five of us, especially as we got older, too, and you start having families of your own, I just always wanted to be the one that kept everybody together. And so I’d be the one to come up with the idea, like, “Let’s do this, let’s do that,” and then I would just be on my brothers, like, you know, emailing them, calling them, “Come on, let’s do this.” But I do it in a very gentle way.

You’re just the organizer.

Yes, yes. And I got that from my mom. Anybody who reads the book…it’ll take them five seconds to see where I actually got that trait from. My mom is the gold-star organizer. Telling my parents’ story, I never pictured me being the one to do that, but it makes sense when you frame it that way. Yeah, I wanna keep our story moving forward and share it with the world. My brothers are not organized at all enough to do that, so it kind of makes sense it was me.

So, when you were writing it, did you have a plan for the moments of your family’s lives you wanted to cover, or were you doing the interviews with your parents based on whatever you happened to be thinking or reminiscing about at the time, and then you organized everything later?

So, once I knew that I was gonna be the one to write it, I knew that I had to organize it in a way that was gonna make sense to me so that I could feel, like, not scattered in chaos, even though our childhood was pretty scattered in chaos. […] I got this program, I can’t remember what it’s called now…it’s where I organized the whole layout of the story of the book. […] I kept it very chronological too because…I wanted to make sure I captured everything I could think of to capture.

Did you have any reservations about sharing any personal family details or anecdotes?

To be honest, not really. My dad suffered from depression throughout our whole childhood. […] He shares the whole process [in the book], you know, all of it. He really does a deep dive into his mental health, and I loved that so much. And when he was sharing it, I was like, “Oh man, I hope he’s okay with this going in the book,” because I feel it’s so important, especially for men these days, to share that. Because, stereotypically, a lot of men feel like they need to be strong. They can’t share their weaknesses. So I thought it was very important. Like, if we’re gonna make this into an actual book to go out into the world, that that stays in there. And so when I asked my dad if he was okay with that actually being in the book, he didn’t hesitate. He was like, “Absolutely.” He wants to be able to share that and help other people. So that was awesome. I didn’t know how he was gonna be with that.

Was there anything that was maybe cut from the book because you
wanted to keep it just for your family?

There’s some parts in the interview[s] where they talk about some stuff that happened with the media. There were some times where there was just some conflict with certain media outlets and certain things, and I didn’t want to put that in the book because it just felt like it was unneeded, unnecessary. I kept going back to the purpose of the book, which is to answer the question, “How did my parents do it?” And whenever things like those kind of stories came up, I was just like, “That doesn’t answer that question. It doesn’t need to be in there.”

Yeah, it’s interesting to have that central question to keep grounding you when you feel a little conflicted about what to include versus what to cut out. When you were either writing the book or doing the interviews with your parents, was there anything that surprised you about putting everything together?

I feel like there was nothing that surprised me for the interview part. My parents were an open book. We were, like, you know, in the media growing up a lot, and so I heard my parents share stories and share their lives over and over again as I was growing up. As an adult interviewing them…I process it differently. You know, I’m a parent now myself, so sometimes those stories hit differently now than they did growing up and hearing them, right? And not in the negative. [They] just hit differently, right? Because I’m in a different place than I was when I was a kid.

So, the interview process didn’t seem to surprise me…but definitely [what] surprised me the most was at the end when I was writing the epilogue. […] My personal story is that, ten years ago, my husband died. At the end of the book, one of the chapters is called “Fast and Furious,” and it talks about all of us five [siblings] getting married and having kids, and how everything happens so fast and furiously because we’re all the same age, right? So, a lot of things happen at the same time. And so I finished that chapter, and I was like, “Well, it feels weird because I don’t have in there that my husband died.” It didn’t feel like my truth. At the same time, this is not my story, right? I didn’t know what the place in the book was for that.

I was talking to my brother Elliot, and I was just telling him the struggle I was having with that, and how to get that truth in the book. So, he looked at me and he said, “Well, you know…a lot of what [mom and dad] had to go through was survival, right? Like, they weren’t expecting five kids, and they got five. They wanted one, they got five.

So, the only way that they could actually go through this was to survive. Isn’t that what you’ve been doing? You were doing that for so many years after you lost Matt.”

And I was like, “Huh, that’s an interesting point. That’s very true. You’re right.” And so I threw it in the epilogue. What surprised me was how I was able to kind of see how everything [my parents] did was so intentional, and it was survival, and it taught me the skills to survive my loss and my trauma.

When your parents made a conscious decision to dress you and your siblings differently, and to put you in different classes in school, was that something at the time that you recognized as a gift and encouraging you to be individuals? Or was it only in looking back that you were thinking, “Wow, they really let us be our own people”?

My parents did say, “We want you to dress however you want to dress,” and would always encourage [us] to do whatever sport [we] want to do, or if [we] don’t want to do a sport, [we] don’t have to do a sport, you know? And so, I think I noticed it as a kid. I recognized it, but definitely now that I’m a parent of only one child, I am in awe… I could see how mindful that they were, and I’m like, “How did they do that? How were they so mindful of it?” I don’t feel like I’m as mindful of a parent as my parents were, and maybe it’s because they had to be more intentional because they could see in front of their eyes, like, here are these five humans that deserve to have individual lives, and not just collectively one life, right? I don’t know, but I’m in awe…it makes me love them even more.

It sounds like they—then and now—were incredibly poised in their parenting, because speaking to what you were saying about survival earlier, had that been me, I feel like I would have just been concerned about making it through the day versus being mindful and intentional of how my kids are being or not being individuals.

Exactly. 100%. That’s how I feel. I do know how it felt when I was in survival [mode], and I didn’t have any room or capacity to think the way that they did, right? Like, they were able to feel all of that and have space for being intentional with creating, you know, space for us to be individuals. I feel like this book…I think this book can inspire other parents. Not just parents of multiples—just seeing how [my parents] move through this world at a time when there were so many things that they mentioned in this book that they were going through […] They were ahead of their time. I feel like they were doing a lot of things that were practicing mindfulness without meaning to.

Earlier, I asked you why you wanted to tell your family’s story, and I was looking on [your website] (https://www.yourstorymatters2.com/) where you talk about moving through the grief of losing Matt. You say, “I share my story because I believe the more we share, the more connected we feel. The more connected we feel, the less alone we feel. The less alone we feel, the increased amount of capacity we have to help others.” Do you feel like this also ties into your motivation to write the book—to connect with others, and to help people who are going through once-in-a-lifetime events, both the good and the bad, to feel less alone?

I love that you found that. I just got chills. Yeah, when I was writing the book, it wasn’t until the end, like I said, that I feel what you’re saying. I felt like this book was for my parents, and generations to come, and my family, right? I didn’t think of it as much about my life and my story. I didn’t see how both could kind of overlap, I guess. And then when I wrote the epilogue, it tied it together, and I was like, “Oh my gosh.”

It’s interesting because you mentioned earlier how you’re a natural nurturer, natural caregiver, so it totally makes sense that, subconsciously, part of you was baked into the book even if you didn’t see it until it was already written.

Yeah, that’s a good point. I’ve always wanted to help people, and then I feel like, unfortunately, with my trauma and my loss, what I had to go through…as much as I don’t wish that upon anybody, I do feel like that going through that gave me the words, the understanding, and the empathy to be able to actually sit with people who are going through a hard time, whereas before I had a great childhood. Yes, it was unique. My parents had to survive, but I didn’t feel like they were surviving, to be honest, so whatever they did worked because I feel like I had such a loving and secure attachment to my family. I think that’s what gave me the strength to be able to also get through what I went through. And then now, going through what I went through, now I can actually be there for other people in a way that I wasn’t able to before, because I didn’t live it, right? It’s cool that this book has some of that in there. I’m happy about that.

Now that you’re a mom, what would your reaction be if your kid came up to you and said, “Mom, I think I want to write a book about our family”?

Oh, God, that would be amazing. I would love that. The good, the bad, the ugly. All the things. I feel like, especially in social media these days, people put out there what they want the world to see. You know, it’s picture perfect, and that is so superficial. I would be totally fine with Benjamin, my son, wrote [sic] a book one day and talked about how hard it was for him after his dad died. He was so little. He was only fourteen months old, so he doesn’t remember his dad dying. He remembers his body, remembers me, and how I disappeared. Like, I was physically there. Mentally not, right? So, I would want that to be shared. That’s part of my story. It’s part of his story. It was hard, but we did it, and we’ve moved through it together, and I feel like the more people can feel like they can share that—the more that you are able to show up in your true, authentic self—then the more real relationships you have in this life.

So, now that this book is out into the world and it’s in the hands of readers, is there anything you would like to write about next?

Yeah, I mean, I’m toying around with kind of continuing my epilogue. Sharing my story. But I’m trying to figure out…I don’t want it to just be a memoir about my story. I want this next book that I write to collectively help people to understand trauma more in a way of storytelling. I’m not a psychiatrist. I’m not a trauma specialist. But I’ve had lived experience. And so I want to write a book that shares what I went through [on] my journey, and that in that way people can understand and connect to trauma to see, “Hey, trauma doesn’t always have to look just this certain way. Here’s other ways it could look.” And then, “Here are things that you can do to help with that.” But not a self-help book. More of just sharing my story and my journey and hope that maybe it could give people a way to be able to take one step forward and understand that, you know, there is light at the end of the darkness, even though it doesn’t feel like it.

It’s funny because, earlier in the year when we had the event where you read from the book, it seemed like you had a hard time thinking of yourself as a writer.

Yes.

And now that I’m having this conversation with you, I could be wrong, but it feels like you’re more comfortable giving yourself that label.

Yes. I’m getting there, I’m getting there. 100%. It was just a confidence thing. […] Yeah, I mean, if you asked me five years ago [if] I’d be writing a book, I’d be like, “No, I can’t even get out of bed barely in the morning.” So, yeah, it’s like taking one step at a time. It’s like baby steps. […] And that really is such powerful advice to give somebody for so many things in your life. […] Just take one step at a time. Just get out of bed.

(This interview has been edited for length, content, and clarity.)

InConceivable: How My Parents Survived the Joy and Chaos of
Raising Quintuplets is now available from Brickhouse Books. You can purchase a copy by [clicking here] (https://brickhousebooks.com/shop/p/inconceivable/).